Fighting Depression

This Dragon is strong, these drugs are strong, week 17 of 24 and I am struggling to keep my head above water.

My good intentions have fallen by the wayside, my healthy eating has dropped off, I can start the day well but by 4 o clock, craving carbs so badly, that it feels like I get a hole in my stomach that is only satisfied by bread, I seem to get a headache that only lifts when I eat carbs....argh.

I wake each morning feeling like I am in a 
hamster wheel, here we are again, like groundhog day! Unable to hold onto any though trains, memory is shot to pieces...


In my 'normal' life I share my passion for herbs in groups, giving talks and holding space for workshop, I see patients regularly and work creatively with plants, writing stories, poetry, making remedies etc. Since being on the medication I have felt unable to 'hold space' for others, I have kept patients to a bare minimum of 1/2 per month and basically not worked with people, just focused on the writing and creative pursuits, I feel like I have forgotten who I am.....I feel like a fraud, a shell of my former self…..

Summer holidays has demanded that I am present for my daughter which is wonderful, not working away on a summer tour of festivals, has freed me up to give her undivided attention, so I have booked to go away to the seaside for a long weekend....fingers crossed we shall have sunshine.

I am working so hard to stay positive, to keep moving, to get up in the morning and to keep a light energy both for myself and for my daughter, she is 9 years old and very sensitive, a beautiful soul. She doesn't have an understanding of what I am doing with the virus because I haven't fully disclosed to her, I don't believe that she could comprehend being so young. She knows I am working through something but that is all. 

For the first 3 months of treatment I lit a candle each night and used a mantra with my dose of drugs, then something shifted in me, a lethargy set in, a deep apathy, cynicism, negativity and something akin to teenage nihilism began to eat into me.

I CAN'T BE BOTHERED

I can only be bothered to watch series in bed til 1am exhausted, eating cereal (abet posh sugar free cereal) Where has my zest gone????? I want it back....my weigh is creeping up and I feel, lardy and cumbersome, muscle ache and joint pain..argh

Each day, I have a resolve to turn it around but its day one again, its been day one for the last week or 2!!!!! My hamster wheel.

Since week 13 I have had a feeling like palpitations almost constantly, it is horrid I went to see the GP and she told me that my heart is fine, so it is probably just a side effect....I feel worried that the drugs are too strong now and I just want it to be over, but I also fear that to not finish the 24 week course may cause relapse and it will have all been for nothing.....argh

So it is boring LOW mood and LOW energy world, swimming, fighting to keep afloat, grateful that I have to make an effort for my daughter and also grateful for the responsibility I have to Sensory Solutions, the company I have built with my Soul SistAs, the responsibly, both to them and to the people who have supported and invested in us, this is helping me to keep going forwards with lists of projects, unfinished books, remedies to make and courses and talks to write and design.... onwards and upwards...

Not taking herbs internally is so odd, I prescribe so many friends from my garden for myself in these times but I am not taking herbs alongside the drugs for concerns about interactions, but I have prescribed gardening and weeding for myself today so I shall get time to sit and BE with nature and it will life my spirits.....just need to drag myself outside......


love love love