It feels oddly ok, my fears are that more of this toxic chemistry will weaken my system in the longer term but weighing it all up, I want to improve my chances of ridding my body of the nasty acting, Hepatitis C virus.
I have been thinking deeply about health a lot, the wellness practitioner that I have seen for a couple of treatments recently has given me much food for though. He is one of the Hero's of Health-care, a shiny, saint of a man, the image he projects, all very admirable but completely unattainable to me. I respect all different kinds of approaches to health but I know that the 'purist, clean, detoxification' style is too 'perfect' almost Christian evangelistically, and not my way.
Talking to those types actually make me feel quite awful. The idea that there is 'one' way, a way that involves cleansing, clearing, abstinence, straight edge, denial, self shining etc…simply isn't what I really want in my heart. I feel better with gentle kindness to myself, nourishing and devoting time to my own needs, time to write and explore my own depths.
I believe that the current obsession with nutrition and what is and isn't wholesome, (how many differing ideas???? Acid/Alkaline, Paleo, low fat, detox, fasting,semi-fasting, etc)
The massive growing health food industry, where people can pay literally hundreds of pounds to go to nutritionists and get supplemented, with many many pills. The myriad of 'new super foods' from far flung places….
I believe that it partly stems, because of a divorce a rife we have from the soil, getting our hands deep in the Earth and planting seeds, watering seedlings and plants, weeding and deliberating what to do with the slimy guys, watching our food growing and the wonderful harvesting of it all….I know that shite chemical rich foods aren't very wholesome for me, it isn't rocket science, but if god forbid a morsel of crumpet passes my lips do I have to self-flagellate? NO but I do need the awareness that 4 crumpets in a sitting isn't very nourishing…It is the balance that is hard. This particular disease (Hep C) leaves sufferers lethargic, tired, foggy and craving energy rich foods so it is common for folks to binge eat, in my life as a human in the west, I have notice that people without Hep C also binge eat, they are also tired and eating for energy hits…..Could the modern lifestyle emulate having a killer virus?
My daily lists consist of a variety of ways I can be kind to myself and the world around me but still my cynicism can be heard. I wonder where this cynicism resides, where it has been birth and nurtured? As my body transits through another cycle of hormones moving towards the death phase, the blood will soon flow, the blood that I am so aware may infect my partner...I have felt a little like a vampire with the virus in my plasma, a little like a creature of the dark with my history of drug and human depth exploration, visiting blackness and desolation, poverty and abuse, coming from a happy stable home and comfort, I was interested in the opposite and I honestly don't regret any of the choices I have made....but this cynicism is tiring; I look around at the bright, shiny people, yoga, juicing, cocoa ceremonies, energetic medicine, power of positivity and occasionally I wanna puke at all the NICE. The homogeny of spiritualisation is either a smorgasbord of enlightenment, or pick n mix embracing the shadow.....and once a month for a few days I am disgusted and annoyed by every little thing....but I am not sure if clearing a virus will change that! I kind wish that I could give the cynicism up and follow a Guru a Jesus type persona, ( but maybe a woman in leather) and just do everything she said with a belief it was for the greater good....give up all my free will, but no that wish already has me reeling....ever thought today is a paradox....gonna go juice some garden farye n get the music on loud as I dance around my home tidying up......
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